


Not What You Think

by WolfAndHound_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Marauders' Era, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2016-02-06
Packaged: 2018-05-18 13:25:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5930077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfAndHound_Archivist/pseuds/WolfAndHound_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Never assume anything about anyone, because if you do, they're bound to come back and surprise you.  Sirius Black is a prime example of that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not What You Think

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Lassenia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), which was created to make stories posted to the Sirius_Black_and_Remus_Lupin Yahoo! mailing list easier to find. However, even though I still love the fandom, I am no longer active in it and do not have the time to maintain it. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in December 2015. I posted an announcement with Open Doors, but we may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Wolf and Hound collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wolfandhound/profile).

TITLE: Not What You Think

AUTHOR: Maple Tide

E-MAIL: mapletide@fastmail.fm

DISCLAIMER: The characters involved that are from the Harry Potter universe are the property of J. K. Rowling and all associated publishers (including Scholastic Press, Bloomsburg, and Raincoast). I'm just borrowing them for my own nefarious purposes. The plot involved, any stray characters that may crop up, and any other things that don't belong to her belong to me. I'm not seeking to make any money off of this; rather I'm going it for fun and for the chance to get it out of my own imagination before it drives me even more insane. Understood? =) Good.

RATING: PG

CATEGORY: Pre-slash, Angst

KEYWORDS: Sirius, Remus, Whomping Willow Incident, abuse

SPOILERS: None, really

ARCHIVE: Marauder Me. FD.net. Wolf and Hound. Azkaban's Lair, if they want it.

FEEDBACK: Please? I can be reached at mapletide@fastmail.fm

SUMMARY: Never assume anything about anyone, because if you do, they're bound to come back and surprise you. Sirius Black is a prime example of that.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I was in a bizarre mood, and this came out. It's a character study of the version of Sirius that appears in "This Moment". The one who is the martyr, who risks everything, who is so intense, and the like. As that's an alternate universe, I played around with the dates for some of the events in the boys' histories. Like the Whomping Willow.

This is set when he's about fourteen or fifteen, and surprised even me.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Never assume anything about anyone. I'm a prime example as to why. After all, I never was whatever everyone thought I was. So many people thought I was so confident of myself, of my intelligence, of my ability to escape any sort of trouble that I might have gotten me and my friends into.

At least, that's what Severus Snape would have had everyone believe. I heard him accuse me of it enough times.

However, I'm not confident at all.

I'm smart, yes. I'm mischievious, too. Those things are indeed facts. However, where the idea that I was this incredibly charming individual even came from is beyond me. I'm not the charmer of the Marauders, that's James. Or Peter. Remus fades into the background so often, and I don't know where I fit in.

The witches sort of followed me around for a while, sure. I suppose I look decent, but I can't really tell another reason for it. I'm not the most confident, most charming, most anything.

The only things I have going for me are my intelligence and my mischievous streak, which nearly ended a friendship beyond all measure. I suppose you all know how I told Snape where Remus was being kept by now. I'm sure I could even tell you who spread the news.

Snape, probably. No one else who knew was willing to give it away. It was bad enough I did. James shouted at me, over and again, and when I tried to cover my ears because the level of his shouting was becoming piercing, he yanked my arms down and shouted some more before he gave me a glare of absolute murder.

Peter did nothing but spit at my feet and walk away.

Remus, in some ways, was the worst. He studied me for a long moment, like I was under one of those microscopes Mum used to have at home before... Then, he just gave me this cold look as though I didn't know just how much I'd destroyed him, and the friendship we had.

And what else could I do but stand there and watch all of them walk away from me without a word.

That's when I first developed the defences they think I've always had. The sharp, cutting, sarcastic wit told in such a dry, nonchalant tone that if you didn't know me, didn't listen carefully enough, or some combination of the two, you'd never even know it for sarcasm.

For a year, that's all I had. A bleeding year.

I took to sleeping out in the common room because I couldn't stand the icy silences, and the being there, only not being there. I found my ways of avoiding them all, because it was obvious they wanted nothing to do with me. None of them wanted a reminder of what betrayal looked like, so I didn't make them live with it.

I became what Mum used to call a "lone wolf", only after everything, it hurt to even think of myself like that. I couldn't stand it, so I just stopped.

I threw everything I had into researching the Animagus transformation; I had nothing else to do, and if they were going to continue it without my help, then I was going to keep my end of the promise. Despite how everything seemed, I'm fairly good at keeping my mouth shut. Dad made certain I had that ability before sending me off to Hogwarts to do him more shame than he knew how to deal with.

But I was fourteen, and I had made the biggest mistake of my life. It cost me everything.

I alternately couldn't wait for the year to end, and wanted it never to end. I didn't want to get on that train and go back "home" to a place filled with alternating silence and violence. At home, everything was on pins and needles, and I learned to be ultra-aware of everything. Everything.

That summer was the worst. It was the initiation I wanted no part of. For Da was a Death Eater, and the initial was to first, kill an innocent Muggle just because they had the audacity to exist, then present the body before Voldemort before kneeling and kissing his feet.

If you were lucky, he'd grace you with the Black Mark upon your arm, and for those like my father, the pain when he touched their skin was like pleasure instead.

I wanted no part of it, and I told him so. It was the first time in years I'd even stood up to him. He knocked me into the wall, and came after me, intending to pound and slap until I gave into his will. Then, Imperius, if that wouldn't work. As though Dumbledore and the rest wouldn't smell the taint of it upon me.

As it was, I lost consciousness before he even got the chance.

When I awoke, I was in the hospital wing of Hogwarts, with a scowling Minerva McGonagall hovering over me. I blinked at her uncomprehendingly, and managed to ask her quietly what I was doing there.

She pressed her lips tightly together in a line, then stepped aside without another word to reveal Remus standing behind her. He looked terrified as he watched me laying there, probably looking like shite, and was biting on his lower lip as he watched me warily. I looked at her in confusion. In response, she just smiled slightly before walking out of the hospital wing. Which did not help my confusion.

The moment of silence between us dragged on before I waved and said to him quietly, "Hullo."

"Hiya," Remus said, smiling slightly, before he shuffled his feet and a worried expression crossed his face.. "You're okay..."

"I guess. What are you doing here?"

"I, er, I was coming to talk to you. I thought, I thought maybe I'd ask you why you did it, I'd understand. Only I came to your house and found you unconscious and your da beating you to death."

"Well, I was never the best, most obedient person. So you owled McGonagall?"

He nodded, then told me, "I thought he was going to kill you, Siri."

I sighed, "You should have let him. I could have died in peace if only I had the chance you never let me have. The chance to tell you I was sorry. That's the only thing I would have regretted."

Remus crossed the room to me in three steps, grasped my shoulders firmly, and shook them angrily. "Don't talk like that."

I stared at him in shock. I didn't think to ask how he managed to owl her, or even how he managed to owl her without Da finding him nearby, or whatever he did, or even the whys. I didn't care. I had long since forgotten what kind touch felt like, even firm touch that ran over bruises left behind from my encounter from Da. I flinched, and he let me go, but he didn't stop staring at me with that intense look.

For all that I had learned how to read him, I couldn't read that expression he was giving me. Finally, I figured he was either going to hug me again, or punch me for my stupidity.

"I know what you want to know, Remus. I know you want to know why I sent Snape after you. Well... he cornered me in the library and he kept pushing at me - just like da would - to tell him. Even after I told him no. He kept pushing and pushing, and I can only take so much. I mean, you learn how to protect yourself, with someone like da, and old habits kicked in."

"I never knew. You never told us."

"I didn't want you to pity me. If you had known, you would have. And you will. I know you will."

"Siri..."

"You'll tell anyone anything, break any promise you kept to yourself, just to survive another night. Probably, had you not intervened, I probably would have bent and gone through that Death Eater initiation. He just couldn't deal with the fact that I'm a Gryffindor, not a Slytherin like he was, and that I wanted to be an Auror. That was what I wanted to do. I still do. But he won't be proud of me, just like he's not proud I'm a Gryffindor."

"He would have been proud had you been Snape's best friend."

"Maybe. But probably not. Nothing I do pleases him. I've tried."

"I never knew you were so strong."

"I'm not strong. I'm just a survivor. You do what you have to. You know that as well as anyone. You work to keep your own opinions, your own knowledge, but you hide it after a while, so it can't be twisted, tainted, or otherwise corrupted into what they want from you. You lock part of yourself away. It's just doing what you have to do."

"If you think that's not strength, Sear, you're daft."

"Maybe so. Maybe not. Like I said, though. I do what I have to."

"You shouldn't have to."

"And you shouldn't have to spend one night a month undergoing a violent transformation, either. Life is life, and we can hate it, want to change it, but it doesn't work that way. You manage."

Remus nodded then. "Yes."

Then he surprised me by sitting down on the edge of the bed and pulling me close to him. I sighed, and didn't ask any questions. Nor did he. We just spent the hours - and, for that matter, the days afterwards - repairing the friendship that I had shattered. He found out more about my life at home than I ever wanted him to know about. He didn't judge, as I suspected he wouldn't, but instead, just listened.

Then he caught me up on everyone's summer. James' family had gone on a whirlwind trip through Italy, and Peter had stayed at home, trying to relax. I laughed at it all, and nudged him about his own vacation. He grinned, showing off a single dimple that I'd barely noticed before, then started talking about his trip to France. There had to be special arrangements met, and he complained that he had come back with a slight accent, but also said that he had plenty of time to think, and that he had decided to meet me at home to find out why.

The rest was history long since written.

I healed, and our friendship slowly healed over the weeks spent there. I had no idea where he went to sleep, and figured he probably ended up back in Gryffindor Tower, but I couldn't say how much I cared. I was just glad he was there, and actually listening to me. I had, like with most other situations of pain, shoved aside how much I had missed him and James and Peter, and how much it had hurt to not even have the chance to explain. That pain was brought up again, and quickly dealt with. He was there, after all, and was talking to me, and seemed glad to be there.

I ignored the nagging voice that informed me that everyone leaves, that everyone abandons, and that eventually he'd realise I was truly the scum he thought of me during that almost-year of not speaking, and just enjoyed it. After all, if it was true, if he was going to leave, then I'd need memories to draw upon.

Somewhere between then and the start of school, I found myself falling in love with him. I buried it deep inside myself where he couldn't find it, and treasured it. I wouldn't tell him; it's not the normal way of things, after all. Well, maybe I'd tell him, but later. Much later.

Not now, when the wounds are so newly healed.

That's where September first found us, sitting on my bed, talking. That's where James and Peter found us, after the feast when they went to find out where Remus was. They stared on in shock, at the two of us laughing and talking together.

Then we started to heal, all of us. Only then.

From there, life went onward. Just not in the direction I thought it would.

And all the while, I kept my secret deep inside, hidden and precious like the treasure it was.

~~~~~~~~~~~

~End~


End file.
